What are boundaries?
In short, boundaries are clear, honest, and direct communication of our expectations and needs.
Over the years there has been increased conversation about boundaries. Yet, I still find them to be highly misunderstood. In part, this is due to the unique and subjective nature of boundaries.
Boundaries are flexible
As humans one constant is change. As we change and grow so will the boundaries that we need to feel safe and respected in our relationships. The boundaries that I needed as a young adult are completely different from the boundaries I needed as a parent and even still different from the boundaries I need as an entrepreneur. Boundaries must be flexible and allowed to adapt over time.
Boundaries are communicated
Therapist and author Nedra Tawwab Glover defines boundaries as, "boundaries are rules, expectations, needs, and desires that help you feel safe and comfortable in life and in your relationships." One of the primary causes of the breakdown of relationships is uncommunicated expectations and needs. We all have expectations of ourselves and others whether we share them or not.
Uncommunicated boundaries are like hidden barriers in a relationship. They can create confusion, frustration, and even resentment between individuals. Just as clear road signs help drivers navigate safely, openly expressing your boundaries provides a roadmap for healthy interactions. Without effective communication, assumptions and misunderstandings can arise, leading to emotional distance and potential conflicts.
Recognizing and sharing your boundaries is an essential step toward fostering understanding, empathy, and mutual respect in your relationships. Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and expressing them can lead to more meaningful and harmonious connections.
Boundary types
Physical Boundaries: These boundaries involve respecting personal space and physical touch. It's about setting limits on how close others can come to you physically and being comfortable expressing your preferences regarding physical contact.
Emotional Boundaries: Emotional boundaries relate to recognizing and respecting your own emotions and the emotions of others. It's about understanding where your feelings end and where someone else's feelings begin, while also communicating your emotions effectively.
Intellectual Boundaries: Mental boundaries involve respecting your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. It's about being clear on your values and maintaining the autonomy to think for yourself without feeling pressured to conform to others' ideas.
Sexual Boundaries: These boundaries pertain to our expectations and where we draw the line around our sexual behavior. It's about identifying and communicating how far we are willing to go sexually.
Time Boundaries: Time boundaries involve setting limits on how you spend your time and respecting the time commitments of others. It's about prioritizing self-care, work, and relationships while avoiding over commitment.
Material Boundaries: Material boundaries relate to your possessions, resources, and financial boundaries. It's about communicating your limits regarding borrowing or lending items and maintaining financial autonomy.
In my work, I have come to learn that it is not communicating the boundary that is hard. What people struggle with is the emotional navigation required after the boundary has been stated. Fear of feeling guilty, feeling selfish, responsible for someone’s emotions, relationship deterioration and pushback keep many people from speaking up. Boundaries feel risky, because we cannot predict or dictate the other person’s reaction. In truth, people may get upset and they will push back. Learning to increase your tolerance for discomfort is key to being able to effectively implement and maintain boundaries.
