Are You in Love with Them—Or the Version of Them in Your Mind?

In relationships, it’s easy to fall in love—not just with a person, but with the idea of them. We meet someone, see their best qualities, and imagine what could be. We build a future in our minds based on potential rather than reality, often without even realizing it.

But what happens when reality doesn’t align with our expectations? What do we do when the person in front of us isn’t growing into the version we envisioned? The truth is, that loving an idealized image of someone can create emotional disconnection, frustration, and long-term dissatisfaction.

So how do we recognize when we’re caught in this pattern, and what can we do to cultivate relationships based on reality rather than illusion?

The Core Issue: Falling in Love with an Idealized Version

Humans naturally project hopes, desires, and expectations onto others—especially in romantic relationships. We are wired to seek security, emotional connection, and fulfillment, and sometimes, that leads us to see what we want to see rather than what is actually there.

In the beginning, this projection can feel intoxicating. We focus on the qualities that excite us and fill in the gaps with our own idealized expectations. We assume that, over time, our partner will naturally evolve in ways that align with our vision. But when that doesn’t happen, we may feel confused, disappointed, or even resentful.

Loving someone for who they are now—not just who they could be—is key to building a strong and authentic connection.

How We Project an Idealized Version onto Our Partner

1. Ignoring Reality in Favor of Potential

When we fall for potential, we filter out inconvenient truths. We may overlook behaviors that don’t align with our needs or downplay differences that could become significant over time. Instead of accepting our partners as they are, we focus on who we hope they’ll become.

This mindset can cause us to avoid important conversations, delay addressing concerns, or wait for change that may never come. The longer we do this, the harder it becomes to acknowledge that the version of our partner we’ve held onto exists only in our minds.

2. Holding Onto a Fantasy Instead of Seeing the Present

It’s common to believe that love alone can change people. We want to believe that, with enough care and patience, our partner will naturally evolve into someone more attentive, emotionally available, or aligned with our vision of a perfect relationship.

But personal growth is a choice—one that each individual must make for themselves. No matter how much love we offer, we cannot force someone to become a version of themselves that they don’t choose to be. Holding onto the idea of a relationship, rather than the reality, can keep us stuck in cycles of disappointment and frustration.

3. Avoiding Discomfort and Uncertainty

Facing reality requires vulnerability. Acknowledging that a relationship may not meet our needs can be painful, so we often choose to avoid difficult truths. We might suppress doubts, dismiss red flags, or tell ourselves that things will improve with time.

However, avoiding discomfort doesn’t make challenges disappear—it only postpones the inevitable. True intimacy requires us to engage with what is, rather than what we wish could be.

The Risks of Holding Onto an Illusion

Unmet Expectations

When we build a relationship around potential rather than reality, we set ourselves up for disappointment. The more we expect our partner to change, the more frustration we experience when they don’t. This can create a cycle of unmet needs, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.

Emotional Disconnection

When we engage with an imagined version of our partner, we miss the opportunity to connect with who they truly are. This can lead to feelings of loneliness, misunderstandings, and a lack of emotional depth in the relationship.

Stagnation

If we’re always focused on what could be, we fail to appreciate what is. Instead of allowing the relationship to evolve naturally, we become stuck in an unfulfilling cycle—waiting for change that may never come.

How to Stay Present in Your Relationship

1. Practice Radical Self-Reflection

One of the most powerful ways to break free from illusion is through self-awareness. Ask yourself:

• Am I loving my partner for who they are right now, or for who I hope they will become?

• Have I been ignoring behaviors that don’t align with my values and needs?

• Am I waiting for my partner to change in ways that I haven’t openly communicated?

Being honest with yourself about your expectations can help you move toward a relationship built on reality rather than wishful thinking.

2. Observe Without Interpretation

It’s easy to assign meaning to our partner’s actions based on our hopes and desires. Instead, try practicing mindful observation. Pay attention to their words, behaviors, and choices—without projecting what you think they mean.

• Are they consistently showing up in the relationship in ways that align with your needs?

• Do their actions reflect their words, or is there a disconnect?

• Are you assuming they will eventually change, or are you accepting them as they are?

By focusing on what is rather than what you want to see, you can gain a clearer understanding of your relationship’s true dynamic.

3. Communicate with Clarity

Clear, open communication is essential for building authentic relationships. Instead of assuming your partner knows what you expect, express your needs and desires directly. Likewise, be open to hearing their perspective—even if it’s different from your idealized vision.

• Have honest conversations about your expectations and how you see the relationship evolving.

• Be willing to hear their truth—even if it’s not what you want to hear.

• Recognize that love is not about changing someone, but about understanding them.

4. Accept That Growth Must Be Mutual

Change and growth happen on individual timelines. If you find yourself waiting for your partner to “catch up” to your expectations, it’s important to recognize that growth is a choice, not an obligation.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual evolution—where both partners are willing to learn, grow, and adapt together. If one person is always waiting for the other to change, it can create an imbalance that leads to long-term dissatisfaction.

Final Thoughts: Love Them, Not Their Potential

True love isn’t about fixing or molding someone into an idealized version of themselves. It’s about seeing them—fully, clearly, and without illusion. It’s about accepting them for who they are, while also recognizing whether that aligns with your needs and values.

If you find yourself feeling frustrated or disappointed in your relationship, take a step back and ask yourself:

• Am I truly engaging with the person in front of me, or with the version I wish they were?

• Am I staying in this relationship because of what it is, or because of what I hope it will become?

• Is there space for both of us to grow authentically, without pressure or expectation?

Love that is rooted in reality is the most fulfilling kind. When we let go of illusion and embrace truth, we create space for deeper connection, greater understanding, and relationships that are built on trust, not just wishful thinking.

So, what’s one way you can start seeing your partner more clearly this week?